Midnight Admissions
by ElvisRose
Summary: After they save Gwen from Morgana's curse Merlin sneaks out to a familiar lake. Arthur and friends follow and overhear somethings that will drastically change the way they view their friend. After 5X9


Arthur didn't like this. Not one bit. Spying on Merlin like this, it felt wrong. It felt just like it did a week ago when they spied on Guinevere. Gwen had been, understandably, upset when she remembered all that she'd done. They only way she managed to ease her mind was to think of the ridiculous lie she'd told Arthur. When she had said that Merlin went to see a girl. Arthur retold the tale to all the knights, who took great delight in it. They all amused themselves with her clever lie…until she realized something.

"Arthur," she'd said, approaching him as he talked privately with his most trusted knights. Gwaine sat at the window daydreaming, probably about apples.

"Yes?"

"Remember when you asked Merlin if he had a girl?" Arthur smiled at the memory. Several knights snickered.

"I do."

"Do you remember what he said?"

"Yes, he said that he didn't have one."

"Exactly."

"Guinevere I do hope you aren't trying to set him up with anyone." He scolded. She raised an eyebrow and he blushed.

"I'm not. I may have been cursed but even I noticed something about the way he was that whole conversation."

"He was eyeing you and trying to figure out if you were going to poison me?"

"No, he seemed sad." Leon and Percy looked up at that. "When he said that he had no woman…he sounded incredibly miserable. It was incredibly poignant, and heartrending. I think he might have loved someone once but she left him." All the knights looked upset at the news.

"How could anyone leave Merlin?" Percy asked. "He's adorable." Mordred snickered at that. "Well he is."

"He's very adorably sneaking out of the citadel." Gwaine said finally, still looking out the window. Everyone rushed to the windows to see Merlin, quite successfully too, sneaking away.

"He's going to the darkling woods." Mordred whispered. That was one thing about Mordred, he was amazingly soft spoken.

"I say we follow him." Leon suggested.

"I second that motion." Gwaine whispered.

"Yeah." Percy grunted. Mordred just sighed and shook his head. Arthur looked at his queen and knew that he would be getting no sleep that night.

And that was how Arthur, Gwen, Percival, Leon, Gwaine and Mordred all ended up hiding in the forest, spying on their friend. Merlin had walked for a long ways without seeming to be going in any one particular direction. Arthur felt slightly lied to, as well; Merlin was managing to walk through the forest quite silently.

A feat which Arthur had thought impossible for the manservant. Merlin was also managing to be quite graceful and not at all clumsy. Merlin finally came to a stop at large, shining lake, and took a seat at the shore.

The lake itself was magnificent. Gwen gasped at such a beautiful sight. It was clear and still, reflecting everything around it. The trees here were lush and green and reminded all of magic in its most innocent form. On the other side of the lake, clear, snowcapped mountains sprouted as if singing of the beauty of nature. The sky was a brilliant black-blue, covered in thousands of stars and a beautiful full moon.

All of which was reflected on the lake's surface. Merlin was sitting there staring at the lake and shaking slightly. He looked up at the stars and the moonbeams fell on his face, illuminating it to the crowd in the trees. There were tear tracks down his cheeks and he seemed so lost, and so alone in the world.

Gwen instantly wanted to go comfort him. Arthur held her back with a gentle hand. They all understood that this was a deeply personal scene they were witnessing. Revealing themselves now might humiliate and frighten Merlin.

"It's so hard." Merlin spoke softly, after a half hour of staring at the stars. "It's so hard and I don't even know if it's worth it anymore, Freya. I don't know what to do anymore."

Everyone was wondering what was so hard for him, well everyone except for Mordred. But everyone was wondering who Freya was.

"Arthur…he's…" Merlin groaned and ran his hands through his hair. "He's a good man and a great king. But…"

_But what?_ Arthur thought.

"I've failed him, Freya. I've tried so hard and he's come so far from that arrogant as I first met. But he's not ready. He never will be. I've failed my destiny. Do you know how hard it is to have a destiny that is to push someone else's destiny along? He'll never accept magic back in Camelot. I've guaranteed that."

"Why would Merlin want magic back?" Gwen whispered. All Arthur could do was shrug.

"How could I have been so stupid? He asked me if I would have allowed it back. I told him 'no' when I so longed to tell him, 'Yes, with all my heart'." Merlin laughed darkly. "I told him there could be no place for magic in Camelot. When not two months ago I told his father that there always was and always would be magic in the heart of Camelot."

Merlin collapsed onto the ground and stared at the stars. "I've dealt fate a mortal blow." He sighed.

"Do any of you know what he's talking about?" Arthur whispered. They all shrugged…all except Mordred who looked stricken.

"I mean, come on! How haven't I screwed up?" Merlin shouted at the sky. "I created the monster that is Morgana, I killed Uther, and I'm slowly turning Mordred against us! It's like the prophesies were just my own damn guidelines of how to fail!"

Merlin bounded to his feet and threw some rocks into the lake. "Freya! I can't take it anymore!" he fell to his knees and sobbed. This time it was Mordred who tried to go to him. Gwaine held him back and gestured to the lake.

"Look." He whispered.

The lake's smooth, glass surface was rippling slowly and gently. Suddenly a head broke through the water. The group of eavesdroppers recoiled in shock. The head belonged to a beautiful young girl who slowly rose out of the water and approached Merlin's sobbing form. Merlin didn't notice her. She gently reached out and touched his shoulder. Merlin looked up in shock, longing painted all across his face.

"Merlin." She cooed, wiping his tears. "My own Merlin. She knelt slowly and pulled him into a hug. Her eyes met with those of his friends and she smiled sadly. "You've not failed, my love."

"How can you say that?" Merlin recoiled. "All I am is a failure. As Arthur reminds me every day." Arthur flinched; he didn't think his friend took those things to heart. The others scowled at their king.

"Oh, Merlin. One day the King will see you for who you really are. One day he will realize all that you have done for him."

"I'm sick of people saying that. You, Gaius, Kilgharrah, my father, my mother, even Mordred. I spout it of so often that I don't even believe it anymore." Merlin sniffed. The nobles all turned and looked at Mordred who blushed crimson.

"Merlin." Freya scolded.

"I told him that there could be no place for magic in Camelot."

"I know Merlin."

"I so badly wanted to tell him to bring it back!"

"So why didn't you?"

"I thought…"

"You thought that Mordred would die?" Freya sounded sympathetic. The eavesdroppers gasped; they couldn't imagine Merlin being so cold or cruel.

"How could I have been so stupid? They said that rejecting magic would bring about Arthur's doom. So of course the man that kills him would have to live!" Merlin ran his hands through his hair again.

"There is still time for him to accept the Old Religion." Freya tried to sooth him.

"No. You weren't there," Merlin shook his head emphatically. "When I asked him to remember that there is no evil in sorcery, only in the hearts of men. You didn't see his face. He'll remember but he'll never believe."

"I am sure that is not the case, my love."

"Freya, he almost just lost his love to sorcery. Why would he ever accept it? Why would he ever accept me?"

"I agree with Gaius, Merlin. The only person that ever doubts you, is yourself." Freya smiled.

"He meant that about my magic, Freya, not about my capabilities to have such a destiny."

"I still agree with him. Did he not say that in all the centuries, there was never a man more suited for this than you? So, you listened to the Dragon too religiously. So, you couldn't save Morgana or Aithusa. That does not mean you cannot save Arthur. And it does not mean you can't save the druid boy either."

"The only way to save Arthur is to kill Mordred. And yet you say I can save them both. How?"

Mordred flinched; Merlin had just inadvertently revealed who he was. Of course Merlin had also revealed many other things. Like the fact that he knew his father, knew the dragon, and had killed Uther, oh and the added bonus of his own magic. Damn fool. Unfortunately the others realized that Merlin had just ousted Mordred as a druid.

"Give the boy a chance, Merlin. You must see that he longs for you to see him as a friend, as an equal. Hell, he'd settle for an acquaintance instead of this burning animosity that you hold for him." Merlin frowned at her.

"Merlin, you pushed Morgana away and look where she ended up. I do not know what would have happened if you had helped her, all those years ago, when she came to you with her magic. But I know that you pushed her away and into the arms of Morgause."

"I sent her to the druids."

"Yes, but then Arthur killed them all." She sighed.

"Not all of them. Just most of them. Mordred got away didn't he? Even then his magic was…frightening."

"If Mordred's magic was frightening when he was a child, then yours must have been terrifying." She teased. Merlin laughed and looked away.

"Yeah, once I turned our cow purple. That was hard to explain to the neighbors."

"You had a cow?" she laughed.

"Yeah, I miss that life, sometimes. The life I used to have. The life we could have had." He sighed.

"With a farm house," she replied.

"By a lake,"

"And a forest,"

"And mountains,"

"And strawberries," Merlin smiled down at her.

"And cows." She smiled back.

"And cows."

"Where do you think we'd be, if we'd managed to run off together?" he asked a few minutes later.

"Well, I'd probably have killed you." She smirked.

"Why, because I talk too much?" he laughed. "Or because of your curse?"

"Both." They laughed.

"I'm sure I'd have been able to find a cure."

"And if you didn't?"

"Then we'd have a nice little house, right here by this lake. It's very secluded up here, I'm sure you've noticed. Not many people know this exists."

"And we'd have cows?"

"No, you'd kill them all." He objected. Freya giggled at that. The eavesdroppers really wished they knew what they were talking about.

"What about children?" Freya asked a few minutes later. Merlin looked at her and smiled lovingly.

"Lets see…it's been about eight-ish years since then. So we'd have…at least four kids by now."

"Four?"

"Yes."

"You overestimate your appeal, sir." She teased.

"Oh please, you know you'd have wanted a new one every year. I'm not sure I'd be able to keep up. Especially since they'd all be boys."

"Oh really?"

"Yes."

"And what makes you think that?"

"I'm a dragonlord. The ability has to survive. So I'd have to have a few boys, just to ensure its survival and then maybe I'd be able to produce a girl or two." Freya spat her tongue out at him.

"On second thought I don't want a dozen mini Merlins running about the place. One would set the house on fire while the others did something truly terrifying like try to fly or play fetch with the dragon."

Merlin threw back his head and laughed loudly. "Probably. I got into so much trouble as a child. And I bet you were just little miss perfect."

"Of course."

"So our daughters' only worries would be their brothers lighting their hair on fire." Merlin laughed.

"Do you think they'd have inherited my curse."

"No. I think the dragonlord blood would let them."

"Someone's full of themselves."

"Hey it's a fantasy, I'm allowed to dream." Freya smiled at him gently.

"I still don't think you've failed, Merlin." He tried to object but she stopped him with a kiss. "I have to go back. Please visit more. And don't give up on Arthur, and give Mordred a chance." She smiled and melted into the lake. Merlin smiled contently and sadly at the lake's surface.

His silent listeners sat in horrified silence. Merlin had magic. Merlin was powerful. Merlin was a dragonlord. Merlin killed Uther? Merlin loved a dead girl. Mordred was a druid. Mordred had magic. Mordred was supposed to kill Arthur. Merlin wasn't going to let that happen. Mordred was…gone. They looked up in horror to see Mordred approaching Merlin.

"Emrys." Merlin's head whipped around so fast that his body turned seconds later because of the momentum. When he saw that it was Mordred he sighed.

"I suppose you saw everything." He said as Mordred took a seat by him.

"Yes. It makes sense now, why you fear me. I assure that I'll do everything in my power to stop this destiny of mine. I didn't even know it existed. I hope one day you can trust me, Emrys."

"You've said that before."

"And I'll say it again. Because I mean it."

"I don't know how you've maintained your optimism. You've been out there in the world. I've been stuck in my ivory castle and I find that some days it kills me just to smile."

"I have optimism because I believe in Arthur. I believe in his destiny and I believe in yours, Merlin." Merlin looked at him in confusion. "I will never doubt you, even when you begin to doubt yourself."

They sat in silence for a few minutes, staring at the lake. Their friends watched in wonder. "Who is she?"

"Her name is Freya. She was a druid."

"Was?"

"They cast her out. She defended herself and ended up killing someone. In revenge, the mother of the man she killed, cursed her. At night she'd transform into a monster to 'kill forever more'."

"You love her?"

"I do."

"How did she die?"

"She was killed."

"How?"

"We were going to run away from Camelot together. I was going to abandon Arthur, abandon my destiny for her. But she didn't want to hurt me. So she ran. The knights found her and…she died."

"You saw it?"

"Yes."

"You saw who killed her?"

"Yes."

"Was it Arthur?" _Please say no. Please say no._ Arthur silently begged.

"Yes." Merlin choked out.

"And yet you wonder how I stay optimistic. Your best friend killed the woman you love and you don't blame him or hate him. You are a wonder Merlin."

"It wasn't his fault. He was defending Camelot."

"Morgana would never have been capable of such forgiveness. Even when she was good and kind."

"No, she would not have been able to. That is our difference. Our only difference. She is the darkness to my light, the hatred to my love. Sometimes I think I love too much and I should stop; everyone I love always dies. They always get sacrificed to my destiny. Morgana used to be full of love. But even her love lead to hate.

"When Gwen's father was killed…Morgana was so full of love and compassion for her friend that she turned against Uther. That right there was what started her on her path of hatred. She's forgotten that now. That was the first time she tried to kill Uther, in the name of her love for her friend."

"Morgana has allowed herself to be blinded by her hatred. Please don't allow yourself to be blinded by your love. You have friends here, Merlin. Friends who love you and want to help you. You don't have to bear these burdens alone."

"Yes I do. Arthur'd kill me the second he found out I had magic. He'd kill you too. And if he didn't kill us, he'd banish us. And for me, that would be worse than death. Because I'd be alone. Sometimes I feel alone here, but out there I realize that I truly have no friends of my own. Will is dead. The villagers always hated me. I have nothing in common with these people anymore. I'm so used to saving Arthur's life that I'd go crazy not having anyone to defend."

Mordred laughed at that. "Well…we could start a travelling act. 'Merlin and Mordred, Albion's Greatest Sorcerers'." Mordred spread his hands out in a flourish. Merlin laughed.

"What has the world come to when Albion's greatest sorcerers are a servant and a knight?"

"Hey, I am a druid. Thank you very much." Merlin laughed. "You could be one too. The druids love you. You're practically a god to them."

"That's why I could never be with them. I'd turn into Arthur; too used to having people kiss the ground I walk on and thinking that's the way it should be." Mordred laughed so hard he snorted.

"And washing socks keeps you humble?"

"Of course!" Merlin chuckled. "Honestly though, it creeps me out, the way they revere me."

"For good reason though,"

"Good reason." Merlin snorted. "I can't even use simple healing magic, Mordred." Mordred looked at him in surprise. "If I could, that boy, Daegal, would still be alive. He was a good man. Betrayed me to Morgana, but still, a good man."

"So you can forgive him for that but you cannot forgive me for something I haven't even done."

"I am sorry Mordred."

"Me too." They sat in comfortable silence for a few minutes until Mordred spoke again. "I'm going to go back. Do you want to come or are you going to stay?"

"I'll stay a little while longer. I have much to think over." Mordred nodded and passed Merlin with a clap on the shoulder. He nodded to Arthur and the others and continued on his way. They decided that they'd had enough intrusion on Merlin's privacy and followed after. When they got back to the castle, Arthur directed everyone to his chambers where they had a long discussion and Mordred told them everything he knew.

The next week the magic ban was repealed in Camelot. Merlin's was the first face those five sought when it was done. He looked so surprised and so…grateful. His eyes swam with tears and he laughed in wonder. After the announcement he and Arthur found themselves alone in Arthur's chambers.

"What made you lift the ban?" Merlin wondered.

"You."

"Me?"

"Yes. Mordred wasn't the only one that followed you that night. I'm sorry for invading your privacy. And for Freya. And I am so grateful for all that you've done for me, what I do and do not know. But what I want to know…is if you'll be my court sorcerer?"

"Yes." Merlin laughed tearfully.

And all was well in Camelot. The kingdom passed peacefully into a golden age. The witch Morgana was never seen in Camelot again. Though rumors had it that Merlin and Mordred visited her and the white dragon in the darkling woods sometimes. Camelot became a peaceful and prosperous kingdom. King Arthur and his friend Merlin became the stuff of legends. Though time has a way of twisting them to interest the listener.


End file.
